What are you working on?
Is it finished? When can we see it?
Do you have a day job?
Are you published?
But seriously, what do you do for money?
Are you also looking for a real job?
Is your book any good?
How long did it take you to write it?
Are you published? No?
What do you do for health insurance?
Does your spouse/partner/parent support you?
Are you published? Yes?
What have you published? Anything we would’ve heard of?
Is it a best seller yet?
Are you famous?
Are you rich?
Can I have some money?
My cousin wrote a cookbook, can you help him publish it?
Why won’t you help my cousin? He’s very nice.
If I tell you my life story, will you write the screenplay?
Can we split the money?
Why don’t you write screenplays? Isn’t the money better?
What do you write?
No, I mean, what kind of novel?
No, I’m asking what genre?
No, like, there are only three genres, right?
You write science fiction? So you’re a nerd?
You write fantasy? So are you a flake?
You write horror? Are you a closet psychopath?
Just kidding. But seriously, you have a sick mind, right?
Would I like your book?
Can I have a free copy?
Oh, you’re a writer?
Anything I would have heard of?
Who are your influences?
No, I mean, what writers did you copy?
No, seriously, whose work did you model it after?
Where do you get your ideas?
You’re a writer? Really?
Oh, you’re successful! So when does the movie come out?
You’re a writer? Would I know your name?
Can you spell it? No, I’m not going to write it down. I’ll remember.
They tell me you’re a writer?
Are you any good?
What’s your day job?
DAVID WELLINGTON 